The world's just so damn f*cking twisted now, today my lecturer came in and told my team's assistant leader that she actually has the chance to go for the 2nd trip to MIT for an attachment. That's not the problem, afterall, she's been a good student, but when she asked him why i wasn't the one who was given the opportunity, it actually turned out that the trip was gonna last into my NS period. Yes... National Service f*cking stripped me of my chance to go MIT, damn it. And that's the last one... because after this i would've graduated and they couldn't send me there anymore since i would no longer be a student there, no matter how good my results are.
Damn it, damn it, damn it, why does it have to turn out this way... F*cking twisted world, if i had any superpower, i'd like to have one that obliterates the Earth from the Galaxy and destroy all of its lifeforms, i hate it, i hate everything. Even prior to that, i had the chance to go, but they decided to choose some joker instead just because he could f*cking talk, just because he's vocal. F*ck it, damn the school, damn everything.
That's not all, i've also just been informed by the school that i might have to f*cking pay $300 to repair a broken part of a laptop that i loaned from them because the vendor labeled it as mishandling. Sh!t, if they come up with really-not-very-durable products that spoils even without you having to do anything to make that happen, it's still your fault? Damn, then next time if i go into the hardware industry i can just scam people by making fragile parts and charge people extra costs for mishandling when the parts of their hardware just fell off by themselves. This is stupid.
Adding to that are a sh!tload of personal problems, and the pile of projects/reports i have to do. First im about to lose the girl i like, then im about to miss my project schedules because i still have so damn other things to see to, and then i have to make sure my teammates are happy and well because im the f*cking team leader who can't lead and is directionally-challenged.
DAMNITALL! TO HELL WITH THIS F*CKING SH!T-DAMNED WORLD AND THE LIVES ON IT. I'm damn tired of life, things just aren't turning out right. I feel so much like crying and yet i can't because there're alot of people who are watching, and they'll laugh at me when i do.

My lecturer consoled me by telling me that there would be other opportunities in the future, like maybe he would have another friend who's going to set up a game company and is seeking programmers then he would recommend me. I appreciate that, but face the facts - what are the chances of that happening? Besides, the fact that i would no longer have a chance to go MIT anymore is sealed. Twice i was showed the opportunites, and then they take it right away from my hands, in front of my very eyes. Now i understand why there're "villains" who seek to end the world. Are they really the villains, or just vengeful victims of the real villain? Maybe they're the real heroes, just misunderstood or unsung. Seriously, enough is enough...

I feel so damn bitter, it's just so damn unfair to me, they say i have the ability but kept stripping me of my chances. That's just plain hypocrisy. It's like... whatthehell did i work so hard for... the director's roll certs are great but i missed out on things that are far greater even though i deserved them. I want vengeance, i want all those who had ever done me wrong to suffer horribly by my hands, everyone... and everything, all of them.

Haha, Friday was great. Though there wasn't much progress in project work, i had loads of fun - fun hanging out with my friends doing nonsensical stuff. First, we went to the auditorium to scout for pretty girls cause' apparently my friends spotted one whom they deem to be really pretty, one who looked like a Japanese teenager girl. She was wearing some school's uniform, one that we see quite often today, so naturally she must have been in our campus for some event, and the only one my friends know of - a dance performance of sorts - takes place at the auditorium and that's how we ended up there. Real -_-" huh?

Later on at around 12:30, we had a DotA match. I was using a Juggernaut and i got first-blood'ed on the first 5 mins lol. But hey, i played pretty well after that you know? My hero was of a level higher than my other friends and i got quite a number of frags too. I even won a friend in a one-on-one duel whereby without using any skills.

Afterwhich, we had to stop because our project-client would be coming to visit us shortly, which she did at around 3. Showed her our stuff and she liked the background image. Congrats to Sue-Anne then lol.

Thereafter, we were bored but relieved - Since we'd already passed our client - and so what did we do? We - Terry, Jijin, Chit Chiang, Xia Wen and I - went to the stadium to do pull ups LOL. Jijin was the champion, doing like 20 of em. Xia Wen did 2 and as for Terry and Chit Chiang, uhh, i shan't say anything =) I was surprised myself when i was able to do 4 (though it's not dead-hang or neither did i straigthen my hand all the way)! I could only do 1 the other day. Haha, we should do this more often. Form a pull-up club, make Chit Chiang the president (since he's the person who proposed doing the pull-ups) and the rest of us the members. Lol, imagine having a member like Jijin who can do 20 pull-ups (wow) and a president who uhh... nvm.

Lastly, we had the final DotA match for the day. This time i was using Mortred but i got pwned real badly, to the extent of being a bloody feeder... sigh. Terry was lamenting that he hadn't had a single kill for 3 games straight that day already but was elated when he found out that he wasn't going to be the only one who hasn't got a kill in the last game, cause' i didn't have any either lol. But too bad, it just so happened that i got my kill when my team members died trying to severely weaken the Viper (played by Hakim) and i charged in to land the final hits, meaning... I Have A Kill!
Lol man, during the game they kept suan'ing Hakim (in a joking manner). They always say something like "Oei Hakim, leave la you come here and feed" when he was parading the lanes for kills and stuff, real funny the way they said it.
Then there was also this occasion whereby Terry and Timonthy were chasing Chit Chiang (who was by then severely wounded and on the verge of death) down and Terry was yelling: "YES! I'm finally going to get a kill!!!" but wasn't exactly able to reach Chit Chiang (who was using the Razor) because Razor has a rather high movement speed. In the end Timonthy just threw a Storm Bolt at Chit Chiang and he died and Terry went: "Ahhh!!! Noo!!! Now i'm going to have 0 kills for the third game running!" lol. Sorry Terry, i wont be joining you on it cause i already have a kill (though not a very deserving one, but who cares, a kill's a kill =D).
In the end, all of us got fatal error and the client the game ended just so abruptly so every went pointing their fingers at Timonthy and went: "Oeiiiii, Timonthyyyy!!!!" since he was the host. And then Timonthy, in the flash of an eye remembered that everybody loves to suan Hakim today for who-knows-what reason, pointed his finger at Hakim and exclaimed: "Oei Hakimmm!!!" and everyone followed: "HAAAAKIIIIMMM!!!" LOL. Then later they kept shouting stuff: "Who caused us to lose the match; Hakim!", "who caused us to have the fatal error; Hakim!", "Who loves Raudah; Haaakkkiiimmmmm!" and the shouting goes on, some of the funnier ones were quite profane so i didnt post it here. Craziest evening i've ever had lol, yet it was so much fun, if only every evenings were like that, life would be so much more interesting.

Haha, that aside, on personal relationships, i think i've become rather distant from her despite us being close friends a month before.... We couldn't talk with each other like we used to. I wonder if i did anything wrong, or is it just because she knows about it and now we're avoiding each other due to that for personal reasons?  She seemed rather moody that day and i wanted to cheer her up online but because i was too tired i took a nap and overslept, and then when i woke up the internet connection was down -_-". It wasn't until today morning before it came back up. Damn, whatthehell, why does this has to happen at such time, it;s so... untimely. Worse still, i found out from my brother that the internet went down only 5 mins prior to when i woke up. What the... that's crap. Oh well, nvm... maybe things will work out on their own, or maybe my friends would spring up and gimme some advices pertaining to that. Best would still be to have everything work out on their own lol, i'm a lazy kid =)

Ok fine, so that was a week ago. Anyways, the first week packed some real slack. We had short lessons, cancelled ones too, and did practically nothing during fyp periods (which can take up to like half a day or so). To tell the truth, im pretty worried about my fyp, it's kinda behind time and we're still slacking =S To top it off, im guilty of playing DotA with my friends and my bro pretty often too... crap... gotta abstain, gotta abstain...

In fact, we just had a match this afternoon, it was the first time i've ever played together with another group of friends. We had a 5v5 match, and we had so many players there because Timonthy, Diren and Leon had to return to school to do some kinda research before heading off to Australia for their attachment (for games development i heard). Well, i had pros on my team, so we sorta won... "sorta" because we got busted by a teacher who was about to take over the lab for his upcoming lesson so we had to stop before we got to finish the game, and we already had 2 lanes of theirs completely down.

Haha, last Friday, i went to this talent time contest by the name of "Dan-Sing" with my friends. Thought i should check these stuffs out since it's already my last semester in the school, if i miss it - i miss it for good. Well, it was pretty ok, but got too boring for me so we left after taking the refreshments. Sigh, the refreshments part made me realize what a self-centered kid i've been. My friends queued up for the refreshments and Terry took a buncha load of food. I was thinking - "Woah, he took so much, could he finish em?" and then, sadly, it was to my surprise that he actually went around sharing what he had taken. See, i would never think of doing anything for another person, much unlike my friends, and that's how much of a egocentric jerk i am. Chit Chiang too, took drinks for the others who didn't queue up, so it goes to show how very much they really care for the others rather than just for themselves. This is one area i gotta improve... definitely.

After sneaking our way out of the event (which was already 8pm by then), i took a train ride home with Terry and Sherry, whereas Xia Wen was accompanied by Andy (whom we coincidentally met at the station as we were about to cross the barrier). Lol, that night's was the most interesting and informative train ride i've ever had in my life. Terry was giving me advices on  courting girls, along with some other tips from Sherry cause' somehow (i dunno how) Terry actually found out who i liked and now quite a number of others know about it too (credit probably goes to Terry -_-"). He was telling me that the girl suddenly said something about me acting real funny recently, like i've been distancing myself from her and the others, and also that she said she actually had a good impression of me. Hmm... distancing myself from the others... i guess that's true, but that's for a deeply rooted personal reason and as for the good impression part, does that mean that i actually have a chance? Maybe, uhh, then again, maybe not, well not when im an egocentric jerk who thinks and cares only about himself and refuses to look out for the others anyway.

Just to share some of the stuff they gave... well, here's Terry's:

"Just go up to her, tell her that you're sorry that you've been acting funny and stuff and strike up some kinda conversation from there. Take it slowly, better not to have a sudden personality overhaul. She's a girl, you should be the one starting conversations and not the other way around. If the both of you are shy and refuse to say anything to each other, nothing's ever gonna work out and the situation'll just remain stagnant."

Ok, that's insightful, problem is - I'm a bloody introvert who's got almost nothing in my mind related to conversational stuff, ever. Sh!t, now i need to go brush up on my vocal skills, cause' it's seriously impeding me in life, not just in this area, but almost everywhere else as well.... it costed me my MIT trip too, damnit. Sides, i think it's pretty awkward to go up to her and say "Hey im sorry for acting funny these few days"... dang, im a coward. Oh and now for Sherry's:

"Be sincere. The most important thing is to be sincere. Just be sincere."

Did she say anything else? I think she did but i can't really remember lol =S Oh sh!t, i gotta pay more attention the next time i get the chance to get tips from them. I'm such a courting flop, and an immature one at that.

Ah well, time to break off from that for now and start thinking back to the other days. The first two days are pretty boring, and it doesn't help with a certain egomaniac of a someone shouting "I want to learn PHP" and "Are we learning the Action Script" (when we're supposed to learn basic Flash and html stuff) again and again and again. Doesn't he ever get bored of showing off (his "immense" knowledge and skills)? Egocentrics certainly do not get along very well with egomaniacs =)

Oh, one good thing that happened this week was... I FINALLY MADE MY ROUTER WORK!!! YESSSSSSSSSS... Having a working router is so much more convenient, i no longer have to wrestle with my bro for control over the comp (just to use the Internet) anymore... for now.

We had Wednesday off cause' one lesson was cancelled and we had another brought forward to Tuesday from there.

As for Thursday, ehh... nothing special happened.

Lastly, for today, well about the above stuff, nothing much's changed yet, i think im still acting funny (to my friends that is, it's normal to me) cause' i wanted to finish the HTML coding before heading off for lunch but i didn't want to drag my friends back in the laboratory with me so i told them to go on ahead without me, and they thought i was being anti-social again lol. Actually, i AM anti-social to begin with, so i guess they didn't think wrong? As for the project, not much progress, nothing spectacular anyway.
Oh yea, today was much more vibrant too with Timonthy, Diren and Leon around lol. I missed those guys, used to talk so much crap with them when we were sharing the same classrooms, especially with Timonthy, who's always full of nonsensical stuff - funny ones. (Kingdom Hearts I + II = Kingdom Hearts III... on Youtube) Had lunch with Timonthy, Diren and Tio Yong, met an old friend from Archery too, name's Ashele (I think that's how his name's spelt, not too sure). Pretty great day to sum it up, though we were late for GDP session by half-an-hour, and i'm the leader -_-" Nice example im setting eh?

Oh well, im gonna go back to coding up my project now... though how much i'll do i do not know cause' i've been slacking alot recently.

Wow, i think im really fallin' in love with songs by Maroon 5, been listenin' to a few of them repeatedly the whole afternoon and still i don't get bored of em =) I like the way their songs are composed, the feel of the music and stuff, it's got those kinda aimless feelings compounded within, just the kind of feeling i really like cause' it gives me some sort of inner freedom, not to mention that their choice of musical instruments gives their songs a tint of nostalgia (in my opinion). Here's one of their songs:

She Will Be Loved - By Maroon 5

Beauty queen of only eighteen
She had some trouble with herself
He was always there to help her
She always belonged to someone else

I drove for miles and miles
And wound up at your door
I've had you so many times but somehow
I want more

I don't mind spending everyday
Out on your corner in the pouring rain
Look for the girl with the broken smile
Ask her if she wants to stay awhile
And she will be loved
She will be loved

Tap on my window knock on my door
I want to make you feel beautiful
I know I tend to get so insecure
It doesn't matter anymore

It's not always rainbows and butterflies
It's compromise that moves us along, yeah
My heart is full and my door's always open
You can come anytime you want

I don't mind spending everyday
Out on your corner in the pouring rain
Look for the girl with the broken smile
Ask her if she wants to stay awhile
And she will be loved
And she will be loved
And she will be loved
And she will be loved

I know where you hide
Alone in your car
Know all of the things that make you who you are
I know that goodbye means nothing at all
Comes back and begs me to catch her every time she falls

Tap on my window knock on my door
I want to make you feel beautiful

I don't mind spending everyday
Out on your corner in the pouring rain
Look for the girl with the broken smile
Ask her if she wants to stay awhile
And she will be loved
And she will be loved
And she will be loved
And she will be loved

Please don't try so hard to say goodbye
Please don't try so hard to say goodbye

Yeah
I don't mind spending everyday
Out on your corner in the pouring rain

Try so hard to say goodbye

Yes, i do know it's a rather old song but hey, i didn't get to listen to this one until recently. I like the "I don't mind spending everyday; out on your corner in the pouring rain" part. Dunno why, but i just like that part, maybe it's the rythm or perhaps it be the lyrics cause' i thought it kinda reflects my present state (in fact, about the entire first two parts of the song do).

Oh well, been (and is still) in a state of emotional wreck recently, why? It's a combination of various matters. The first reason that always comes to my mind is that the pressure of being a leader is really getting onto me, but im slowly adapting to that and hopefully, i  would've learnt to completely cope with this at the very least at the end of this project.
The second reason that comes into my mind is that i just feel i've lost a girl to the least likely person =S She's almost always been the only one supporting me through the past one year, cause' this boy here is one poor guy who hasn't got much friends, and she's almost always the only one who understands my ideas, while the others perceives it often in the wrong way, yes, including times when i clearly didn't give very clear instructions, she somehow always produces the kinda stuff that i wanted her to. Also, she's the only person who's been through all of my hardest times in school with me. But all these while i've only regarded her as a good friend and nothing else until recent events took place. Hmm, oh well, guess im really left with nothing now but the project which, thanks to me, is left in a very messy state... hardly any friends, no competition wins, no girls in love with me, no consoles, no games, no high-end comp (mine's mid-end specs with low-end graphics card) geez... when will this improve? I took her, her support, her presence, all of it for granted... now i think about it, it's stupid. "I've had you so many times; but somehow i want more" - that's pretty apt. Sigh... in any case, i did sorta promise my mum that i wouldn't get a girlfriend until after serving my national service, so maybe nothing could've come out of it afterall, that's some consolation.

Truth be told, she's a tomboy and she's got weird interests, and i've always said to myself that i would never fall for a tomboy, but for a proper and normal girl who wears girly clothes and stuff and does things that a regular girl normally does.... sh!t, i must be going nuts, maybe it's part the after-effects of playing too many mobile games =X The world's going bonkers, upside down...

I just hope that after losing so many things now, i would hand up a good project to make up for it... I want to do it up nice and good... I want to leave at least a tinge of good memory in my final year in school after losing so much. C'mon... i can do it, i always do.

Oh yea, another reason i found for my present state would be the router that i bought pretty recently - it bloody refuses to work... i wasted hours and hours on it trying to configure that thing but it just loves cutting off my internet connectivity. Drat it.

Now i can hardly smile in front of my friends anymore, the few that i've got anyway, unless i force a fake one out. I feel real lonely, like nobody's there for me anymore, and now i've gotta walk my path alone. I put up quite a glum face for my teammates too, which is rather unhealthy for the team considering im the team leader - that i know but i just can't find a reason to smile or laugh nowadays, or get close to anybody i know... I want to smile and laugh like i used to in the past two years but somehow i can't do it, i just get the feeling that i'm alone and that there's no need to or else i'll feel idiotic. It's pretty miserable but maybe it'll pass soon enough, or at least i hope.

Sheesh, i feel much lighter after writing all of these out... my lecturer was right, writing things or thoughts out does relieve you of your mental burden. This is my last semester, i want to make the best of it... in terms of results, cause' that's all i have left.

"I don't mind spending everyday; out on your corner in the pouring rain".

It's only been a short time but I've been through alot lately. I've always wanted to start on my final year project while i was doing my attachment, but now i wonder if i really wanted that?

From tues to thurs last week i was at Batam, not for a holiday but to work (for the project). Certain events there made me think that i've lost a battle which i had every chance to win prior. No, it's not about the project, but some personal issues. Maybe i didnt treasure the every chance i was given, maybe i was too inflated with arrogance, maybe i just didn't think i'd lose (and to a certain someone i'd least expect), but i guess i'm at the verge of it, and hardly anything i do can rectify it now. Now an emotional turmoil is rumbling in my mind, of which im trying hard to get rid so that i can focus on the project.

That aside, i've been elected as the leader of my project group for who-knows-what reason. Sh!t, i can't lead for nuts, neither am i even a team player to begin with. I've always been doing solo for as long as i can remember, including past group projects whereby i'd just grab most of the stuff and work on them, leaving the others almost completely out. Yes, im that evil, but not because i dun trust them or what, it's more of being unable to coordinate with the others (something which you have to do if you plan on working hand-in-hand with your mateys).

Right now, stress is at it's pinnacle. Damn it, it's even worse than taking 'O' Levels. Wanna know why? Because im leading. Being a leader is harder than it seems, it's more than just ordering your men/women around - It's about being able to take up an immense amount of responsibility, it's about being able to point your people to the right direction, it's about being able to take care of your people. When you're a leader, you can't afford to screw up, cause' when you do the effect will ripple to the others, meaning - you screw yourself up, you screw your friends up too whereas in 'O' Levels if you screw up, you screw only yourself up and no one else. Honestly, now i seriously admire those people managing big development groups... how the bloody hell did they actually do it with a gargantuan group possibly amounting to hundreds when im only managing a group of four (including myself) and it's already driving me to a breaking point?

Every day and night, i had to think of what to do to make the game good, to make the game fun, including when im dreaming... to think of what kinda work i can assign to my teammates, to think of how i can communicate my ideas to them effectively so that they get my whole idea, to think of how to incorporate their ideas into the game for two purpose - 1. They're good and 2. so that my teammates would feel that they're contributing and are part of the project. I've tried asking for their opinions on subjects first before telling them my own in fear that my opinions would affect theirs and my teacher tells me im doing it wrong, im not being very leader-like having to ask people for opinions instead of giving my own.... sometimes i just dunno what to do anymore.

I've made so damn many mistakes in decision-making i questioned myself relentlessly: Why am i the leader, am i really fit to be one? Some of the answers than came to my mind was: Because im better at programming as compared to my friends, and because i've always had better results. But is that it? Does being a relatively better programmer and better at tackling exam questions really constitute one as a good leader? My friends kept telling me i can do it, they kept telling me to chill, they kept telling me im going good and to take it easy, but somehow, i felt otherwise many a times. I have too many areas to improve on as a leader - Task allocation, scheduling, communication, directing, initiative-taking etc. and i have only a mere three months to do it.

Besides, though i have so damn many things on my mind, i have no one else to share it with except for myself on this blog. If only i had a soul mate whom i can pour all my worries to, whom i can ask for directions from... but no, i've only myself. I've hardly any friends and i've almost always been alone, crying, laughing, joking, crapping and all to myself... I know im luckier than some people, including a group mate of mine who'd just lost a family member but the immense pressure im facing makes me feel miserable. Really, sometimes i was hoping that i wasn't really the group leader but a kah-kia (lackey) so that i wouldn't have to face all of these.

But guess what? The fact is, i've already been made the leader and now everyone's looking up to me to make this project the best possible one they've ever been in... I guess i have to stop running away and face up to my problems now, one way or another, and solve them one by one until they're all gone, the way i used to. I may not be a good leader now but there's always the first step. I have to accept to taking this first step or i'll always be stuck in the rut. I'll take this opportunity to learn. I may be alone, kinda, but hey, i've always been and have always done fine... right? This time'll be no exception either. As the saying goes: When the going gets tough, the tough gets going. I'm gonna be the tough, im gonna be strong. I'll pull through and see the world, and have the world see me as a much stronger person than i was. I'm gonna strive for the top of the games development industry, no matter how difficult it might gonna be... That Is My Dream And I'm Gonna Fulfill It!!! If i can get past this stage successfully, i can do anything in the world, and so I'm gonna! If Frodo Baggins can destroy the One Ring despite having succumbed to its highly corruptive powers, if Harry Potter can defeat Voldemort despite his slim chances, if Beethoven can compose the most beautiful of melodies the world has ever heard despite being hearing-impaired, I can do it too, I can succeed too. I'll pull through these hard times and mature and maybe then, girls will finally start liking me =)

Just finished my attachment with Disney last thursday. Well, my time there was pretty good overall, the job scope's kinda boring, but we do get to do some other stuff like data entry which makes it less boring. The community there, however, was great! Although i don't hang out with my colleagues much during my period there, I can tell ya they were really a nice bunch.

Now that my industrial attachment's over, it's time for final year project - for which im taking up an industrial project (And im taking the role of the leader -_-"). Though i could get a rather long break after my attachment but i was wrong, very wrong. The project's gonna start reaaaaaallllyyy early, much earlier than the others anyway, and that means we don't get a break... dang, and im already worn out from writing all the weekly reports and crap... so worn out my brain ain't even been thinking straight for days already (even now it still isn't).

On saturday, went out to watch the staff-screening of Ratatouille with Hanhan, great show i'd say, highly recommended. Of course, there were boring scenes too, but those didn't make up much so it didn't have enough of an impact to spoil the movie. It wasn't much of a day though, just went out to catch a movie and had lunch with her and... that's it, we parted ways at the mrt station and headed home, pretty sad for even the most regular of outings if you'd ask me. Guess that goes to show im not much of an outdoor guy - an absolute boredom to hang out with... geez, gotta improve on this...

Well, speaking of self-improvements, i've got a long way to go. Haven't been much of a friend to anybody, didn't have many friends either. Now that i've started reviewing on my social circle, it seems really pathetic. Look at my other friends - their birthdays come and they get flooded with well-wishes in various forms like testimonials, smses etc. Me? Let me do a count... hmm... For smses, first I got one from Alicia a.k.a girl2, then one from Hanhan, followed by another one from Wei Long, Woon Ling and lastly, Louis... that's all there is. Looky here, 5! Aren't i proud of myself? Other people are getting dozens! Ok, maybe im getting a liiiittle greedy here... but anyways, gotta thank these 5, seriously, they have my heartfelt gratitude. But still, honestly, it DOES look sad, doesn't it? What an amazing life i've got... having no guts to break it to the girl of my dreams for years (So what if i went out with her for a movie? Nothing's changed or improved), having little amount friends and shunned by many. Don't even have a confidante, unless anyone would consider his/her blog one. There're so many things i want to share, happy things, sad things, grouches, wishes, dreams, yet there's no one out there whom i can turn to and share with. My other friends, on the other end of the scale, do. Must've felt great to have somebody you can share your thoughts with, instead of being able to only post them on your blog, eh? At least they've got people whom they can laugh with all the time, at least they've got people whom they can cry to... As for me, I've always done this alone, whether i'm sad, happy or whatsoever, i've had only myself. Maybe this is the painful price to pay for solitude... you'll have no obligations whatsoever to others, but you end up with a really sad life with nobody by your side.

Gah, nothing makes any sense in this post... but it does feel great to pour crap out from your mind onto anything, including online mediums like this blog. Dunno why, my eyes did feel like they were welling up while i was writing the above stuff, maybe it's just sad to see what i really am upon some form of personal reflection.

How I long for the day when I am no longer alone... or maybe I'll always be.

Well, my comp's back up and even better, with an additional 512 mb ram, paid by my bro. And, im able to get back at playing DotA... but after one particular game with a group of friends, it seemed like... this friendship is starting to waver... oh well, i dunno if i should do anything to salvage it, but honestly, i don't really care... i mean, there were times when they left me behind and alone. Although those 2 situations were pretty trivial (one could've gotten pretty big), it really showed how much they really do care about me, so i guess they really aren't the type who are dependable, and what i need are dependable friends...
it's ok with me to have a few friends just for casual hanging outs, but they're really nothing to boot about. The best kinds of friends anybody could get are those who'd stay behind and accompany an individual when he's in trouble, or in some other unpleasant situations, even if they rarely hang out and stuff... i don't know if i've really found any... i do have 3 in mind, with 1 im starting to have doubts about... true, he's a generous guy, always giving treats and stuff, but these days... if my hunch was right (which i hope isn't), he really doesn't belong to the category of "true friends", and the other two? Thanks to my anti-social, aloof personality, we're starting to drift apart... everything is breaking up into pieces, even bonds that i thought were the strongest at one time...

well... this is life... we grow up, start doing different stuff and think differently, it's inevitable that we'd one day become enstrange towards each other, even the best of friends...

But really... recent incidences have really made me think... is it really wrong to be an anti-social? Is it really that good to make as many friends as possible like my other friends did? i mean, making more friends would mean higher chances of making friends with the wrong people, people who never really cared about you or worse, bring you on the wrong path... is that not a bad sign? Oh well...

Anyways, dota'ing has gotten me sorta vexed up... it's a fun and highly addictive game, but i play it on zion, and the majority of zion's commmunity is made up of morons (i'm already being very nice here with my choice of one-word description), and i mean it, and these people are always spoiling the damn game. Damn, zion, other than coming up with the ZAC, a hack filter, it should also come up with ZAM (Zion Anti Morons), a moron filter, so that morons get filtered out and banned. That would help greatly in cleaning up this lousy community. DotA would've been a perfect game if the community was comprised of only nice, couteous and polite people.
Honestly, when i first starting playing 2 years ago, the community was so totally different, it was so fun back then, sure, there WERE morons, but only a few of them, like around 5-10 out of every 10 games... now? you see 80 morons out of every 10 games. Damn, im having thoughts of quitting zion, the world canned with mostly suckers, and find some other community instead, like euro battlenet, until it is cleaned of those bastards (Act pro but not pros, kids with attitude problems etc).

Ahh... lost every game that i played today, and had some heated arguements with people in game, and the games that were supposed to be won always end up in disaster, like there was one whereby we were winning but some lameass quit, with another one who lagged out at the start of the game, so it ended up being 3v5, a game whereby we're bound to lose, and there was the last game i played, whereby all the people on the other side left just because they were getting pwned, what a bunch of suckers, so it became an incomplete game...

Oh well, lots of random stuff today, this'll be it...

Right, back to this blog after being too lazy to write anything for such a long time... Many things happened during the interval, both good and bad...

Example of a good? I got great grades for the last sem, now waiting for this sem's grades to be released...

Example of bad? I had to stay up without a wink of sleep for 5 nights (3 nights consecutivey) to finish up on my projects because of a certain dictator of a bastard who shall not be named (i can't be bothered to since he's someone who, imo, nobody would wanna make acquaintance with...) ... and that bastard even robbed me of my ticket to MIT for IA!!! Maybe being an apple polisher does have its fair share of pros to boot... -_-"
My grandma also had an accident which landed her in the hospital, good thing is, she's back home... but the atmosphere seemed pretty dark... i dunno, it's like... she's even split the family asset during her hospital stay so... it seems pretty gloomy. I hope these hours pass soon and that the family could go back to the stable state it was in.

And well, im still stuck with some really old problems... and i think im getting senile, i could even forget where i left the remote control even though i was in contact with it less than 5 minutes ago... ugh...
Oh well, i haven't found my guts yet either... still hanging around passively, unable to broach my feelings even after 10 years... (or more, i dunno)

Chinese New Year didn't felt as great as the previous years, guess it's because i hadn't the chance to spend much time with her this year, and yes, im still trying to mind-read before making any moves... Damn... gotta learn to communicate or im out of it for good...

Well, at least for this new year, i've learnt to let go for certain things, felt much better with that burden of carrying redundant feelings brought off my chest.

Right now, im having my "end-of-year" holidays and im rotting to ultimate boredom at home, whilst my cousins (including those 2 who are of the same age as me) and brother are working part-time... feeling kinda guilty about staying at home all day.

Oh yea... the 'A' level results will be released this friday, i wonder how those 2 cousins o' mine will fare, not to foget those friends who were taking the A' levels last year too... Those two cousins o' mine are really smart, but they seem rather inconfident this time around, one of em even told me she's applied for polytechnic through JAE as a back route - sounds pretty serious to me. Oh well, even if the both of them end up in poly instead of university, at least all three of us will be admitting into the university at the same time (Then i won't have to feel so embarrased about losing to them in studies all the time, even winding up going into the university education later then they do, neither will they feel embarrased since we're all of the same age).

Ah well, next sem's IA for me, i really hope i can learn alot of industrial stuff during my stay at Disney, cause' it'll really help when i step out into the industry.
And... the sem after's my FYP, and i've already chosen my group, one usual old groupmate whom i can really trust and rely on in groupwork, and one guy who seems very responsible, hope i didn't make the wrong choice again, else i'll be in another disaster like the one i was in this sem (with that dictator of a bastard in my group). But the previous time i worked with that guy, he was quite supportive, encouraging and rather proactive, so i suppose i could set my mind at ease. 2 slots left for my fyp group which i think i'll leave closed, 3-man party seems best to me imo (Fair share of work for everyone, and easier to manage too). I've also banned a couple of people from my group, that DOAB, a braggart and a traitor.
Speaking of that DOAB, he's really.... i dunno what to say. To sum him up as a person, he's cocky, self-centred, thinks he's the damn best, unreliable, dictative, does not think about other people's feelings, a braggart, not a team-worker and a total suck-up. Yes... he's really that... um... much of a failure as an individual.

Look, he wanted to dictate our group projects, and ended up dragging 1 project to 3 days before the deadline before he finally said "Ok guys, i think we'd better start doing it", not to mention that there was another to-be-handed-up project on the line too, in which his part took so damn many weeks to complete, given to another friend it would've been completed in a week or two... but he took like 2-3 MONTHS! In the end, me and another two of my friends worked like dogs and without sleep to finish em up. Ok fine... i'll overlook that for now...
He also had some bugs which he deemed "logic defying" and rather impossible to solve, but i solved it in like... half an hour? This does NOT prove that im good, but it DOES prove that he suck cause it was obviously a procedural error (One look and most people who knows basic programming could tell). And after i solved his bugs, he would always say sh!t like "Maybe looking at a bug for too long makes you unable to solve it", denying any trace of the fact that he's just plain lousy, like c'mon man... face the fact, you just suck and that's that. I even remembered that there was this competition in which we're supposed to program tanks... My friend and I were in a team and we pwned his tank badly, and after the competition he actually told us "Hey, i'm gonna pwn you the next time we participate in this, ok?" -_-" what a cocky bastard... Doesn't even think through the aftereffects of his lines through his head before he farts it out. I really felt like hitting him hard in the head that day, but after reviewing the consequences, nah, it wasn't worth the risk. Ok fine, personal grudges aside, i'll overlook this too...
What he did to his close friends was really unforgivable, he's a betrayer who betrayed his friends just because he thinks that they cannot perform. Look, he did not get an A for a module and he told his group, who were all his closest friends in the class, right in in their faces "I should've done the project alone. Because of you guys, i couldn't get an A grade for it". That was the end of the line, two of them severed every tie they had with him since then, save for the last one who looks like a gangster but is actually a really nice person - He did not take that insult to heart and stayed with him... but for that last guy, he really is the most pitiful victim of that DOAB, he's oblivious the many things that bastard said behind his back, like telling the teacher that he wasn't fit to join GD since his gpa was only 1.2 despite all the times he aided him. In the end, that DOAB left his group and joined mine (I accepted him into the group since i didn't know what kind of person he was that time), and next, i had my share of suffering working with him.
There are many more, some relating to events that happened in class and someone actually stood up and called him "Hao lian (Braggart)" (Me and another friend giggled in the dark when we heard that) and in those events, he really had no consideration for people in the class who were relatively weaker in programming. Even someone as egoistic as me knows to keep quiet. He is someone whom i would quite describe with a single word - "Hopeless", along with another braggart, who's also in my class... and im actually the class rep, someone who's got to babysit the class... oh boy... how i envy my friend who's only got 1 weirdo in his class and no other abomination, and even that weirdo is many times better than any of those two...

Oh well, guess my rantng took up more than half of the post, lol, but it feels great to rant... to get all these frustrations off the chest, you know? =D

Well, went out on a gathering with my sec school buddies today. It's a gathering dedicated to Ahmad since he's gonna sail sometime soon for... i forgot how many months, more than 12 i think. Yea, so it's gonna be quite awhile before we see him again... therefore, the birth of this gathering.
We were supposed to meet at Yishun MRT at 1, i was 10 mins late, and i thought they were gonna kill me for that but well... something i kinda expected happened - When i arrived, i couldn't find a single familiar soul... yea, that's right, they were all late. Ahmad was late by 20 mins (He's the male lead btw -_-"), and we walked outside the barriers and saw the ax guys (Kai Chin, Shan Long and Jowin). After that, we went to northpoint to have our lunch and also to wait for Shujun (She proposed the 1pm thingy btw... but she came nowhere near 1pm though). When we were done, we went to golden village and some wacky stuff happened there which im not gonna elaborate on this time, im gonna show mercy and spare them some embarassment.
Afterwhich, we were loiterng around the lobby, deciding on which movie we should watch (I had only 9.70 dollars with me since i forgot to grab some from the bamboo cup before i left... so it was a little problematic for me) while waiting for Valerie. When she arrived, M:I3 was decided on as the day's dose of movie and Ahmad paid $3.50 for me (No, i dun want people to pay for my stuff, so im gonna pay him back like umm..... 10+ months later when he gets back? =D). Well, i was grateful for that, at least i have anothe $3.70 for settling my lunch/dinner/whatever.
The movie was kinda good, but the helicopter scene was... umm, let's just say it made me kinda giddy. But the movie wasn't exactly up to the expectation i had for it though.

So, movie's over, and we went to BK after meeting with Louis and Wei Long outside northpoint's macDonald's (Louis had just bought a pair of skates that costed him $297.70!!!! Whattheheck!!! And he said he's poor -_-"). Basically, we just sat there for like... half an hour doing nothing until Siew Boon and Cheng Pei came along. Those two weren't exactly there to crash into the party though, they were there to fetch Shujun to some friend's birthday party (Actually, we shoulda gone along with them... Free food, you know? I could save the $3.70 which i had left). So we bode farewell outside Golden Village with Shuju, Siew Boon and Cheng Pei and went to S11 at blk 900+. We sat there for some minutes staring around, not knowing what to do before finally getting up to get our food. And even after having our meal, we still sat there for another 20 mins chatting away lol.

When the day waned, it was time to go. Yea, so we walked all the way until we were near a bakery, where we chatted for another 5 mins and then, parted ways. I went with Louis, Wei Long, Ahmad and Shan Long to the MRT station. Where i separated from the rest of them, as did Wei Long.

Oh well, actually, it coulda been more exciting if i had brought more money with me... Sorry guys, for being a wet blanket but i was really strapped for cash.

I dunno if this one's gonna be the last gathering before Ahmad sets sail for the open seas. Cause' it'll really be a long time before we see each other again if that's the case. That guy's like a brother to me, although i always make fun of him... but then again, hey, i did the same with Louis even though he's one of my closest friend/brother and sometimes, even Wei Long =D. Sorry, i know im full of nonsense sometimes but i can't help it.
Guess the only thing i could do for Ahmad is to... well, wish him the best of luck in sailing! We'll all look forward to you becoming a captain one day man, cause' that's the day you treat us to something big =D

Lately, i dunno why but somehow i feel that im being ignored by some people. Maybe it's just me, or... maybe it's reality. Can't really blame anybody though, the way i am as an individual, it wouldn't be a wonder. I'm really scared though, that someday everyone whom i really cared for would turn on me, i really wouldn't know what to do... I can't delude myself any longer, i know i can't survive alone in this world, and further grounds on this thought is provided on especially after the mountain trip, i had to rely on others ever so frequently... I really don't want to, i wanna get stronger, way stronger than i am now... but how?
Dreaming's one thing, making it a reality's another and even after the sweetest dream, one's gotta wake up eventually.

My mind's kinda in a whirl recently, and all these thoughts that are bugging me are really making me unable to think properly. I'm not my cousins' equal, nor am i my bro's, if i had their strengths i wouldn't be in this plight now. I'm not someone who's likable, i dunno how to show people that i care, i have lousy fitness, i dunno how to stand up for myself more often than not and i dunno how to fix my comp when needed. Whatthehell, i dun even have the guts to confess to the girl whom i've liked for over 10 years, and she's kinda sending mixed signals - blowing hot and cold and hence, i dunno what to do. If i could do things like my bro, my life would be the complete reverse.

Man, if only there is someone who could teach me what to do, and guide me through each step of the way to life's success. I really have no idea on what decisions i should make anymore. I know my life's mine, but... i dun wanna ruin it with my own hands. I wanna get rich, not so i could buy all the stuff that i want in the world, but so that i could give my family a good life.
A friend once did an eight-character divination for me and he said that i would become a rich businessman one day. I told him i wouldn't care if i would become rich, i prefer adventuring, but i knew i was lying. An uncle did a palm reading and said pretty much the same thing, he said i am simple-minded, yet i would become a successful businessman one day. Haha, i earnestly hope that these readings would come true, then i guess, i would've served my life's mission - to give my family a good life.

If i could read life like a map and see my life's causes and effects, i wouldn't have to worry about anything, i can just  decide if i should just head straight or make a turn easily, and see if things'd turn out right if i'd confessed. Yea... i always love the easy way out since im the lazy type. Hmm, or maybe if i could save and load my life's progress at will... guess i've been playing too much.

But well, amidst these endless queries, i do know one thing for sure though... i've already chosen a path for one segment of my life, and... i gotta go on and make this path shine to it's fullest... I can't turn back. And i still believe what i told my classmates in secondary four, a few months before my 'O' levels - We've already embarked on a path and we've come so far, there's no turning back, the only way out is to go straight ahead. And since we're gonna go at it, might as well make it the best path we can ever take.

Man... wierd wandering thoughts... thought i should at least write them all out here to remind myself someday.... yea, maybe sometime in the future, i might return here to read what kinda stuff i actually wrote when im nearing 18 and maybe... well, either have a good laugh or reminisce the old times.

I still like having someone to guide me though =)